I Didn't Know

I have officially written as many drafts here as I have actual blog posts.  The fact that this blog has has over 10,000 views also seems remarkable.  Yet what really caught me off guard when looking back through this blog's history, was that I started scribbling thoughts here 5 years ago.

I don't feel like I am old enough to have been doing something for 5 years.  I'm sure some hobbies can claim that longevity, but in my mind, I started blogging when I thought I had something worthwhile to say which is  when I thought I had achieved some standard level of maturity and adulthood.

5 years ago, I was a freshman in high school.  I knew nothing.  But I also knew that I knew nothing, which helped a lot.  I knew that I was the product of society and my school system and The Town and my family.  I didn't do much about it, yet I knew it.

But there were a lot of things I had no idea about.

I didn't know that I wasn't going to be an engineer.  I didn't know that I was much weaker in some ways than I thought.  I didn't know how many people that I would see die.  I didn't know how much brokenness there was in this world and how little I could do about it.

But I also didn't know how much of a help I could be if I looked beyond myself.  I didn't know about the sleepless nights and tired days.  I didn't know how writing would simultaneously save me and destroy me.  I didn't know that God was truly my only Savior.  I didn't know that I would go to a Christian college, or even that I would still be a Christian at this point. I didn't know about the incredible friends and memories I would find here.  I couldn't have anticipated the amount of mental strain I would have to learn to overcome. I didn't know that I would see lives fall apart and God piece me together.

While I've never put much stock in who I am, I have an inexhaustible source of confidence of what can I can do.  Even so, alone, I am nothing.  With God, I am still nothing but I am with God.  Being able to say that is more astounding than 5, 10, or 15 years of life-changing experiences.

Fights with Strangers

Something I will never understand is the inflammatory comments on YouTube videos that never fail to start a fight with a stranger.  Who do you think you are that people actually care about your opinion about a song?  Except evidently people do care, because they respond, and re-respond, and get into entire debates about the merit of an artist that no one cares that much about in the first place.

Then I realize that I am staring at my computer, reading these absurd comments from people who have nothing better to do than write comments and I am someone who clearly has nothing better to do than read those comments.  Yet I do have better things to do, like use this public platform to rant about a pet peeve that is mostly irrelevant.

Things Don't Make Sense

To my rationalist mind, the worst judgement that I could pass on anything or anyone is: "That doesn't make sense."  I've caught myself saying that a lot lately.  For something to be good, it must be logical.  Unfortunately, this rules out a lot of the best things in life.

Like love, for instance.  Love doesn't make sense.  It is irrational to put someone else's needs in front of your own.  Likewise, emotions don't make sense.  They are messy and pointless, but they are what make people real.

War doesn't make sense.  Fighting with swords instead of words doesn't make sense.  Unfounded hatred doesn't make sense.  I don't make sense.

I contradict myself daily, whether in word or in deed.  I have unrealistically high expectations for myself and circumstances beyond my control and expect the world to fall into my preset categories and calendars and it never does.  Some days I want to smile for no reason at all, and other nights I feel like crying into my pasta salad.  And that doesn't make sense at all, because according to my calculations, happiness is supposed to be circumstantial and pasta salad doesn't need anymore salt and it really isn't sad at all.

The world doesn't make sense.  It never has, and the stubborn desire of one 19 year-old girl won't change that.  The world is broken, which doesn't help this confusion, but so am I.  We must learn to live in this broken, senseless world regardless.  Stomping my feet and scowling at the surrounding nonsense doesn't help anything.

You know what also doesn't make sense?  Friends that love you when you are unlovable.   Loyalty that lasts through the test of time and trials.  A perfect God that loves an imperfect people.  Beautiful sunsets that fall every night on a world that doesn't deserve them.