Pretending to be an Insomniac

I'm not, though.  Rather, I'm quite good at sleeping.  I used to practice putting my brain to sleep at bedtime when I was little, and now it seems to turn off all on its own most nights (and most days it seems too).  Exciting things can put me to sleep and boredom can put me to sleep.  I'm probably closer to being a narcoleptic than an insomniac.

Yet tonight, I will fight sleep and I will win for a while.  I am afraid of what dreams might contain and want to hold onto reality a little bit longer.

I have nothing profound to say.  Nothing of value or intrinsic worth.  Which is why I haven't posted here in such a very long time.  The good thing is, I'm pretty sure I've disappeared off the blog sphere world and I doubt this will reach many eyes, let alone minds.

Not that my life is meaningless.  It is brimming with significant events and lessons but I haven't figured them out yet and don't feel like this is an appropriate place for such half-thoughts.

And maybe that is why I won't sleep tonight.  This blinking cursor mocks me with the thoughts I'm too scared to write. I'm constantly searching for distraction but the world around me is in temporary death and will provide none.

I Didn't Know

I have officially written as many drafts here as I have actual blog posts.  The fact that this blog has has over 10,000 views also seems remarkable.  Yet what really caught me off guard when looking back through this blog's history, was that I started scribbling thoughts here 5 years ago.

I don't feel like I am old enough to have been doing something for 5 years.  I'm sure some hobbies can claim that longevity, but in my mind, I started blogging when I thought I had something worthwhile to say which is  when I thought I had achieved some standard level of maturity and adulthood.

5 years ago, I was a freshman in high school.  I knew nothing.  But I also knew that I knew nothing, which helped a lot.  I knew that I was the product of society and my school system and The Town and my family.  I didn't do much about it, yet I knew it.

But there were a lot of things I had no idea about.

I didn't know that I wasn't going to be an engineer.  I didn't know that I was much weaker in some ways than I thought.  I didn't know how many people that I would see die.  I didn't know how much brokenness there was in this world and how little I could do about it.

But I also didn't know how much of a help I could be if I looked beyond myself.  I didn't know about the sleepless nights and tired days.  I didn't know how writing would simultaneously save me and destroy me.  I didn't know that God was truly my only Savior.  I didn't know that I would go to a Christian college, or even that I would still be a Christian at this point. I didn't know about the incredible friends and memories I would find here.  I couldn't have anticipated the amount of mental strain I would have to learn to overcome. I didn't know that I would see lives fall apart and God piece me together.

While I've never put much stock in who I am, I have an inexhaustible source of confidence of what can I can do.  Even so, alone, I am nothing.  With God, I am still nothing but I am with God.  Being able to say that is more astounding than 5, 10, or 15 years of life-changing experiences.

Fights with Strangers

Something I will never understand is the inflammatory comments on YouTube videos that never fail to start a fight with a stranger.  Who do you think you are that people actually care about your opinion about a song?  Except evidently people do care, because they respond, and re-respond, and get into entire debates about the merit of an artist that no one cares that much about in the first place.

Then I realize that I am staring at my computer, reading these absurd comments from people who have nothing better to do than write comments and I am someone who clearly has nothing better to do than read those comments.  Yet I do have better things to do, like use this public platform to rant about a pet peeve that is mostly irrelevant.

Things Don't Make Sense

To my rationalist mind, the worst judgement that I could pass on anything or anyone is: "That doesn't make sense."  I've caught myself saying that a lot lately.  For something to be good, it must be logical.  Unfortunately, this rules out a lot of the best things in life.

Like love, for instance.  Love doesn't make sense.  It is irrational to put someone else's needs in front of your own.  Likewise, emotions don't make sense.  They are messy and pointless, but they are what make people real.

War doesn't make sense.  Fighting with swords instead of words doesn't make sense.  Unfounded hatred doesn't make sense.  I don't make sense.

I contradict myself daily, whether in word or in deed.  I have unrealistically high expectations for myself and circumstances beyond my control and expect the world to fall into my preset categories and calendars and it never does.  Some days I want to smile for no reason at all, and other nights I feel like crying into my pasta salad.  And that doesn't make sense at all, because according to my calculations, happiness is supposed to be circumstantial and pasta salad doesn't need anymore salt and it really isn't sad at all.

The world doesn't make sense.  It never has, and the stubborn desire of one 19 year-old girl won't change that.  The world is broken, which doesn't help this confusion, but so am I.  We must learn to live in this broken, senseless world regardless.  Stomping my feet and scowling at the surrounding nonsense doesn't help anything.

You know what also doesn't make sense?  Friends that love you when you are unlovable.   Loyalty that lasts through the test of time and trials.  A perfect God that loves an imperfect people.  Beautiful sunsets that fall every night on a world that doesn't deserve them.

Things To Remember

Every once in a while, I make a list of the things in life that I hold strongly to.  Some of them are based on experiences and wisdom from those around me. Like many things in my life, a lot of them are rather arbitrary but I still cling to them quite tightly just to spite their lack of quantification.

I am not ultimately in control of my life or who I am.

Happiness is not our main goal here.  

Life is not falling apart; it was never all together to begin with.

Life is an adventure.

It’s going to be okay.

Expectations will kill you.

So kill them first.

The times that I am the worst are the times that I am spending the most time thinking about myself.

We are never alone.

There is no point in needless sadness.

But it's okay to be sad sometimes.

There are always decisions to be made, we just don't take the time to realize we are making them.

There is much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Creating vs. Destroying

When I get rid of the things in my life that I don't need, I can start creating good things again.

Like writing.

and relationships.

I don't want to be in this world to simply consume my way through 80 years of existence.  I am made to make things.

Role Play

A case study was done in the basement of the psychology department at Stanford University where 24 mentally stable participants pretend to be prisoners or guards in a mock prison setting.  The simulation was meant to last two weeks but was ended after 8 days due to concerns about the prisoners' psychological health who lost touch with reality.

This might be an extreme example, but if there is anything we are good at, it is playing roles.  Even when we know that the role is completely false, it is only a matter of time before it becomes our identity.

Your role in life is shaped by the people you grew up with, the stories you were read as a child, the dreams that inspire you, your peers who surround you, the mentors that guide you, those that try to derail you, the culture that shapes us, and hopefully, the God that created you.

I've spent a great deal of time and energy trying to fight this reality.  In my mind, there must be some way to rise above this scenario where everyone typecasts me into a character and expects a performance that follows their script.  I hope you have the complete awareness of self and external influences with the strength to view life from the clouds with your feet on the ground.  I certainly don't.

If I could be anywhere else or do anything else with my life than attend college in Western PA and run this race, I don't think I would.  I believe that we experience life in the way we perceive it be.  Our location and surroundings are secondary to internal perspective.  I can live life fully here, in Michigan, or across the ocean.

Even though life can easily become a game of make-believe, I am willing to live within that structure.  I could waste my time trying to be completely independent from my situations and circumstances.  I'd rather be aware of what is shaping the roles that I chase and make sure those sources line up with who God instructs me to be.

I'd rather know who I am becoming than fight an impossible battle.